Waiting to Exhale

Today I "came out" to one of my co-workers about my stance on gay marriage. Awkwardly and haltingly, I explained that yes, I was like all those black voters in California who voted yes on Proposition 8.

[It's funny how that saying about "what you fear will come upon you" (a marginal reading on an Old Testament verse) comes true sometimes. I'm in Houston, TX at the National Arts Marketing Conference, and I just "knew" this issue would come up at some point.]

My fear? That after being forced to state my position--which of course would be terribly constructed and woefully unconvincing; at best sounding sadly naive--I would be dragged out to the hotel parking lot, reamed out, beaten up, and left under an SUV.

That didn't happen. At least not the second part.

There were three of us women, sitting at a table networking between workshops and the conversation eventually led to this topic. To my relief, it was my colleague who defended me after the other lady accused black people of causing the results of the CA vote. I'm sure this lady thought I'd roll my eyes in agreement, with visible shame. But as cowardly as I am, I could not sit there and allow them to think that. Something in me knew it would only come back to haunt me later (the Holy Spirit, perhaps).

Anyhoo, I felt closer to my friend from work after that moment, realizing it was I who did the thing to her that I feared she would do to me: assume that because she is openly gay and I do not support gay marriage, she would hate and condemn me. In fact, she expressed a little concern that I may no longer want to lunch with her (though I'm pretty sure this was a joke)!

So many emotions: relief and gratitude that God allowed the event to happen without destroying me, surprise at my friend who I regard as even more delightful, mature, and lovely than I did before, anger at Christian brothers and sisters who have made this whole thing harder through cold and hateful actions, annoyance at people who assume that loving the arts means you support homosexuality, fear about how this revelation may yet still affect my relationships at work, and disgust at myself for being so cowardly and self-absorbed.

O Lord! Make me compassionate, strong, loving, and peaceful in this and all things you care deeply about.