Waiting to Exhale

Today I "came out" to one of my co-workers about my stance on gay marriage. Awkwardly and haltingly, I explained that yes, I was like all those black voters in California who voted yes on Proposition 8.

[It's funny how that saying about "what you fear will come upon you" (a marginal reading on an Old Testament verse) comes true sometimes. I'm in Houston, TX at the National Arts Marketing Conference, and I just "knew" this issue would come up at some point.]

My fear? That after being forced to state my position--which of course would be terribly constructed and woefully unconvincing; at best sounding sadly naive--I would be dragged out to the hotel parking lot, reamed out, beaten up, and left under an SUV.

That didn't happen. At least not the second part.

There were three of us women, sitting at a table networking between workshops and the conversation eventually led to this topic. To my relief, it was my colleague who defended me after the other lady accused black people of causing the results of the CA vote. I'm sure this lady thought I'd roll my eyes in agreement, with visible shame. But as cowardly as I am, I could not sit there and allow them to think that. Something in me knew it would only come back to haunt me later (the Holy Spirit, perhaps).

Anyhoo, I felt closer to my friend from work after that moment, realizing it was I who did the thing to her that I feared she would do to me: assume that because she is openly gay and I do not support gay marriage, she would hate and condemn me. In fact, she expressed a little concern that I may no longer want to lunch with her (though I'm pretty sure this was a joke)!

So many emotions: relief and gratitude that God allowed the event to happen without destroying me, surprise at my friend who I regard as even more delightful, mature, and lovely than I did before, anger at Christian brothers and sisters who have made this whole thing harder through cold and hateful actions, annoyance at people who assume that loving the arts means you support homosexuality, fear about how this revelation may yet still affect my relationships at work, and disgust at myself for being so cowardly and self-absorbed.

O Lord! Make me compassionate, strong, loving, and peaceful in this and all things you care deeply about.

We'll be back after these messages...

I'm putting off the bit about my grandmother for a post or two (See Nov. 5), until I have time to do it justice.

Also, a momentary break from politics to share today's Revelation for Self-Actualization:

Self-esteem is earned, not given.

Recently spoke to a friend who happens to be an amazingly accomplished, talented, experienced, and attractive person, and yet still expresses doubt in her gifts and abilities. This is despite their obvious value (HER obvious value) to everyone else. As a fellow first-born, I could totally relate, as I think this problem tends to strike us a bit harder, though it's certainly not limited to a birth order.

Can't remember where I heard the above axiom, but I now believe it to be completely true. I have been blessed to also know people who have an uncanny, unshakable, and truly unpretentious perspective on themselves. But then I'm asking, why can't I be like that? What do they have that I don't?

Self-esteem. An internally-eminating assurance that they're basically 'okay.' At least one significant commonality I can see: people with self-esteem have taken risks and have met with success. Even better, they may have failed, tried again, and then seen success. Perhaps the level of self-esteem is proportional to the level of struggle-induced success one has experienced.

I can say that I have seen this in my own life, too. Areas within which I have observed real results (such as executing a direct marketing campaign and seeing actual $$$ increase), I seem to have true confidence. Other areas (such as jazz singing) where the feedback has been mostly just external praise or even failure, the most I can offer is a false humility (insecurity desperate for more praise/comfort).

Hmmm. I'm not liking the implication of what I need to DO with this insight (take more risks?). So let's go to your thoughts! ;)

Day One

The morning after, random white people were eerily nice to me today:

The older white woman bus driver enthusiastically thanked me for showing her my bus pass upon entry.

The young female barista at Starbucks was noticeably more energetic and talkative. Loudly inquiring, "How are you doing today??" and "Have a great day today, okay?"

On my way out of Starbucks, a middle-aged white man in a gray suit made an effort to head me off at the pass in order to hold the door open for me (and no, he wasn't leering at all).

Then there were at least two random black women, probably around my age or a little older, who caught my eye and exchanged knowing grins with me. This was all before I got to work this morning. It only takes me 30 minutes to get to work (including the coffee run).

You see, Pittsburghers are a polite people. We understand politics is not appropriate small talk with strangers. However, that doesn't keep us from expressing our feelings in other ways!

I won't even tell you about the voicemail I received from my late grandmother (okay, maybe on my next post).

Photo: Central Area School Council Election (BlackPast.org)

The next first day of the rest of our lives

On the eve of this most historic election, thought I'd share a couple things that I recently found helpful, both in informing myself of the issues, and attempting to stay spiritually centered in the midst of it all.

http://vote-pa.org/ Even if you don't live in PA (you can just switch to your state on the same site), it gives a "sample" ballot for your locale and a side-by-side comparison of all candidates on the issues, culled from various sources. I'm guessing most of you don't "need" this for tomorrow, but I think it's a great resource as we go in the future (you mean, Wednesday will not be armageddon?)

http://www.acac.net Click on the PODCAST button on this page and go to our pastor's sermon for 10/26/08 called Guarding Your Soul during Election Time. I must say, it was both convicting and encouraging, a must listen for all of us praying for God's Will in this election and in our own lives.
If for some reason you still do not have iTunes, here is the very unembellished outline: 1) Do not idolize political candidates. 2) Do not demonize opponents. 3) Do not politicize your faith. But listen to the podcast!

Finally, I was reminded by a friend today to pray against the spirit of confusion that continues to try to muddy the issues as well as deceive folks into thinking they can't vote at all.

May God have mercy on U.S.